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My Jacob is struggling.  This 5th grade year will NOT go down as our favorite.  And despite the fear of sending a child to Middle School, I have to say that we are beginning to look forward to it with great anticipation because it will mean we are leaving 5th grade behind. 

We have spent the year tweaking, trying and re-trying different ADHD medications.  For Jacob this "disorder" is so much more than just a difficulty focusing at school, which is how so many categorize it.  It's about anger and anxiety and mood swings and impulsivity.  It's so hard - for him and for us.  Getting him TO school is such a challenge.  Getting him up out of bed is a challenge.  Getting him to bed at night, you guessed it, a challenge.   On Monday we got a 'patch' that we're trying now to see if we can get benefit during the day, but decreased benefit after we take it off in the afternoon so that maybe he'll be able to sleep.  (I read THIS article in Real Simple magazine that I thought was interesting – talking about a child with ADHD and how it effects the whole family.)

Jacob has a teacher that is just mean – says childish and hurtful things to him.  She wants 100% compliance and takes it upon herself to lecture him – all the time.  He is fed up and tired. 

Jacob is struggling to find a peer group that he feels he belongs in.  This has produced late night discussions that involve tears.  He has had his own issues with treating kids unkindly.  And now he is the recipient of some of that stuff – name calling, that as a mom is heart-wrenching.  School is a hard place without social pressures – add in the fact that you don't feel like you have friends and it makes it even harder.

A month ago I found him dressed in camo overalls and wool socks with a pillowcase packed with essentials.  He was ready to run-away…at 10:30 pm.  He wanted to escape and go "live in the woods".  He has always been a lover of adventure/nature books – Swiss Family Robinson and My Side of the Mountain and The Sign of the Beaver are favorites.  He is convinced that he could live in the wild and fend for himself and escape some of the hardship that accompany his unique challenges.  The truth is that he is capable enough to probably handle the "rough" nature life for a while!!  He reads his Boy Scout book for fun sometimes and knows more about first aid than I do!!

This morning he forgot his homework.  This is not altogether uncommon for him.  He called me at 7:57 am and begged for me to bring it up to school.  I have admittedly sent mixed messages in this department – occasionally dropping by unexpectedly to the school with his forgotten lunch or homework.  But today I am tired.  Today I have things to do (plus, I'm still in my robe).  So I said "no".  I told him he was welcome to run home and grab it and then take a tardy (which I don't think his teacher would allow since he was already in the classroom).  I feel terrible.  Despite everything I've ever read about 'helicopter parenting'.  Despite everything I know about 'natural consequences'.  Despite the fact that my head tells me this is a good way for him to learn so that he'll be less likely to leave his homework home again tomorrow (or the next day).  Despite all of that, it breaks my heart to say no, when I could have just as easily gotten dressed and said 'yes'.  And I have to live with that and hope that his resentment doesn't overshadow his love.  And I have to hope that the lesson is not lost on his "especially sensitive-right-now" soul.

In my ideal world, I would pull him home and celebrate LEARNING again (something he loves so much).  We would explore and read and study together and build up his self-worth and confidence before sending him off to 6th grade.  But would that work?  Or is that just a dreamy idealized scenario on my part?

Parenting has a way of taking your heart and slowly peeling away the layers to reveal the most vulnerable and sensitive inner parts.  As the kids get older I realize that the young years are so easy comparatively.  Hard physcially, yes.  I feel like Samuel demands all of the physical strength and energy that I have sometimes.  But as they get older they demand more time, more emotional energy, more spiritual discernment.  And mine aren't even that old (teenage years, here we come!).

But, as always, I pray and exercise faith on behalf of a child that wasn't always mine.  First he was HIS.  And He loves him even more than I do and can direct and guide my feeble efforts to parent him in love.  Thanks be to heaven for that knowledge.  Otherwise I would be lost in this endeavor.