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when my 3-year old looks me square in the eye and says in a very serious tone, "Mom, maybe we should not have wished for this baby."

Talk about a knife thru the heart. 

And then today at lunch Jacob confessed that he does mini-counseling sessions each night with Caleb.  He said that "Caleb’s sad every night about you being sick."  Oh, really, I ask?  "Yea, he makes this face (shows me a big frown) and climbs up the ladder and I talk to him about it."  What do you say? I ask.  "I just tell him you’ll be better as soon as you push the baby out.  Then things will be better."

That’s when I have to do mantras like this…"this too shall pass…this is worth it in the end…this too shall pass…this is worth it in the end…".  And I tell myself that this time next year it will be a thing of the past…just a bad memory…but with a happy ending.